Fourth of July, or shall we call it what it is: Screw England Day.

I said my goodbyes at around eleven, and after rounding up all my various cooking accessories, I left the party. I stepped out into the rain and the first thing I thought about was my three hundred dollar raincoat hanging up back at my apartment. I walked a mile and a half home and thought about the free Nature Conservancy umbrella sitting next to my front door. I walked through a torrential downpour, all my clothing soaked to the core, and I thought about all the implements I have purchased over the years to keep me dry. All the items that were not currently with me.

What slipped my mind, was my cellular phone. It sat in my backpack, safely nestled away from heaven�s showers...or so I thought.

After changing out of my wet things, I opened my bag to find my phone hardly even damp, yet fully inoperable. Attempts to charge it were unsuccessful, attempts to dry it were apparently futile. It has given up the ghost, and I�m suddenly thankful for my monthly splurge on Sprint�s equipment replacement program.

After my dismally un-encouraging job interview today, I moseyed over to the Sprint store in Times Square to see about a quick repair.

I stood in line, chipper and pleasant, eagerly awaiting my turn. When the time came, I proudly presented my phone and explained my problem.

The salesman smiled and replied, "that sounds like water damage". I agreed and there was a moment of silence between us.

"The insurance plan doesn�t cover water damage."

Bwah? You mean to say that if I carelessly drop my phone seven stories to its death, you will replace it?

"Yes"

And if in a moment of absent-minded distraction, I leave it on a lunch table and some rouge makes off with it, you will replace it?

"Yes"

But if it is rained on, it�s my problem?

"Sometimes they dry out, I�d try drying it out"

And my other options?

"The sales department would be happy to sell you a new phone."

I�m glad to see that I�ve been wasting five dollars a month on an insurance plan that doesn�t end up helping me. I�m glad to find that Sprint�s helpful service representatives are eager to bilk me out of an additional $150 just because my insurance plan doesn�t cover puddle mishaps. Stupidity tax, perhaps.

I was tempted to smash it on the floor right there in front of him and present it in that condition to see if I got a different answer, but I�m not much for public theatrics, so I tucked my tail firmly between my legs and went home.

So now I�ve got my phone here on the table in front of me, disassembled and dissected in a desperate attempt to dry it out. If this does not prove to be successful, I shall have to drop it off the roof and claim ignorance of any previous water damage.

In my mind, they are the ones committing insurance fraud.

If my current plan of action proves to be fruitless, I shall have to beg my mother for an early birthday present shaped like a working cellular phone. It�s rather hard to get a job when you can�t receive phone calls.

I will now encourage the world to divert all business from Sprint and all its subsidiaries, lest they also become victims of capitalism.