Featured Characters

The Ape-Like Roommate b. 1978. Furry little psuedo-thug and former roommate who was never spanked as a child. Prone to inconsiderate and self-centered behavior.

Attractiveness n. 1. A measure of social magnetism. 2. A rough approximation of a persons physical appeal, and thus, their potential in life.

Bill b. 1975. Old friend and musician extraordinaire. Also known as William Billiam and Dollar Bill.

Bitterness n. 1. Having or being a taste that is sharp and unpleasant. 2. The state of mental clarity in which one realizes that everything does indeed suck.

Bravery n. 1. Courage. 2. Temporary forgetfulness causing a person to do stupid things while expecting glorious results.

Caroline b. 1981? Nubile and adorable short-term roommate from Chicago. Distinguished by comely appearance, endless giggles and goofy walking style.

The Cute Australian Beanpole b. 1982 Adorable stick of a girl from Australia with a luminous smile and a tendency to stare at me.

Cute Girls n. 1. Young females of the adorable nature. 2. Practical jokes from God placed on the Earth to constantly remind you of what you will never get.

Cruelty adv. The appreciation of one's self over the concerns of others.

Crushes n. Informal. The state in which the desire for a person outweighs the complete unobtainability of that person.

Death n. 1. The natural result of life.

Drinking/Drunk v. 1. The state or process of obtaining happiness. 2. The inability to see one's self as a complete ass.

My Family n. The tree from whence you sprang.

Food n. 1.Nourishment. 2. Sustinance.

God b. unknown. Arrogant former ruler of the universe. Forced from power during the Regan administration of the 1980's. Currently missing in the foothills of the universe.

Gretchen b. 1980. Stunningly beautiful female who often afflicts males with a temporary loss of breath. Characteristics include a fondness for tattoos, Ani Difranco, Elvis Costello, and me.

My Hair n. Cranial, facial and genital fashion accessory. Often cut into various pleasing and unpleasing shapes.

Home n. 1. Place of comfort. 2. A persons geographic origin.

How to Become Homeless A series providing a year-long overview of the search for affordable housing.

Illness n. Sickness or affliction.

Insanity v. 1. The state of extreme self-awareness or lack thereof. 2. Socially irrational behavior where one realizes that everyone else is crazy.

Insomnia n. The natural state of sleeplessness.

Landlords n. 1. Persons required to screw you at every opportunity possible, often with the specific legal assistance of the state. 2. Scumbag.

Love v. 1. The pain that draws a straight line down through the heart. 2. Cancer of the heart transmitted through kissing. 3.State of mental illness marked by the loss of self. Condition is generally regarded as fatal.

Music (Listening/Playing) v. The process of enjoying auditory stimulation.

New York n. The center of the known universe.

Nosebleeds n. Crimson gushers of nasal origin.

Philosophy n. A system of ideas designed to make sense of the world, thus disguising the unfathomable nature of the universe.

The Recent Drinking Buddy b. 1978. Female afflicted with a temporary appreciation for me.

The Rue-mate b. 1976. Fish-faced pathalogical liar I lived with for an unbearable period of time. Known for loose sexual morals, criminal fraud and a pervasive cocaine habbit.

Sadness v. 1. The opposite of happy. 2. The collision of expectation and reality, often resulting in disappointing emotional consequences. See also: Miserable.

Sandy b. 1974. Old friend, drunkard, punk rock singer extraordinaire. Prone to extreme relationships with various vices ranging from alcohol to women. Currently missing in the foothills of Virginia.

Sex n. Physical process designed to artificially prolong empty relationships. Often results in procreation, thus continuing the miserable human experience.

She, the infection b. 1976. A cancerous poison of East Indian and American origin. Her victims suffer from a reduced desire for everything. Characterized by narcissism, hypochondria and frequent sexual frigidity. Currently missing somewhere in the foothills of Queens.

Work n. 1. Hurdle designed to prevent you from living comfortably.